A Real Kiss
by ABunchOfMellarky
Summary: What if Peeta's older brother had volunteered in his place? How could Katniss, sole victor of the 74th Hunger Games face the remaining Mellark family? Written for Day 7 of PiP's AU week.


**A Real Kiss**

Not even the Capitol's high tech repairs could keep her bad ear from ringing as she was met with the deafening sound of applause when she stepped off the train. It met her like a giant wave, blowing her over as soon as she stepped out of the sliding metal doors. Katniss raised her hand, and with her index finger rubbed the back of her left ear. The ringing stopped.

She forced a smile on her face, removed her finger from her ear, and began to wave, greeting the people of District 12 with a false enthusiasm. If there was one certainty that she had come to realize during her days outside the arena, it was that the lucky ones were the ones that died. She did not want to be here. She did not want to look these people in the eye after the things that she had seen – after the things that she had done. However, she had no choice.

She scanned the crowd, her heart stopping when she came upon the face of her little sister, being held high above the rest of the crowd. She was perched on Gale's shoulders. Gale, however, was not clapping. Instead, he sent her a tight lipped smile that she was not sure how to interpret. Did he understand? Or had her strategy in the games driven an irremovable wedge in their once effortless relationship? Would Gale ever be able to look at her again and not wonder if her heart really belonged to someone else?

Suddenly she could not stand to look at Gale any longer. Turning her head to the right, she began to scan the crowd for more faces – the faces of people that she had dreamt about so many times in the arena, people she longed to see again. She saw Madge holding a bundle of wild flowers, smiling and waving at her, happy to have her friend back home. She saw Greasy Sae clapping with a content smile on her face. But as her eyes moved over even further she was met with a pair of ice blue eyes that shook her to her core.

As she held the gaze of the boy whom she had once owed her life to more than anyone else, she was suddenly transported back into the arena. The crowd in front of her disappeared and she was looking into a handsome young face framed by a head of curly blond hair. She watched again as a handful of berries quickly rose. Katniss' hand shot out in front of her to stop it, but by the time she reached the berries, Levi Mellark had already fallen to the ground.

Katniss did not hear the scream escape her lips, but suddenly the entire crowd had gone silent. Her hands were shaking and she watched Gale, Prim, and her mother push their way through the group of people around them, clamoring to get to her. She felt her body start to cave in on itself and with every passing second breathing became harder and harder.

Haymitch reached out to catch her before she fell to the ground. He held onto her tightly and along with a group of peacekeepers opened up a hole through the crowd for them to travel through. She could hear the yells of Gale and Prim as she moved forward and they tried to catch up. But they were too slow for the men in uniform around her.

"It's okay, Katniss," Darius said as he held onto her arm. "You're home now."

* * *

Over the next few days, Katniss quickly found that home felt just as dangerous as the arena. Nothing was the same as it was before, and everywhere she went she was met with a pair of threatening eyes – eyes that would probably much rather she be dead. She rarely ever went into town anymore. With the exception of Darius, the peacekeepers all hated her for ruining their bets. Cray had lost the most money and he had taken a habit of sharpening his knife whenever she was near.

In her nightmares, she saw the baker's wife holding a knife to her throat, demanding that she explain why her favorite son killed himself to let her live. All Katniss could do was scream that she didn't know. She awoke from this dream almost every night. And when she didn't dream of his mother, she dreamed of a day six years ago that she had so long longed to forget.

In this dream she was outside in the rain, the water pouring over her face. The Mellark family bakery was in front of her and she watched the youngest boy, Peeta, walk toward her with a piece of bread in his hand. He smiled at her and Katniss took the bread. She tore the bread and lifted a piece to her mouth, but right before it touched her lips it turned into a bright blue berry. When she looked up to question Peeta he was gone, replaced with the lifeless face of his brother, his tongue stained blue. Katniss squeezed the berries in her hand, and when she lifted them to her face, the berries were dripping blood.

The first time she had this dream, she awoke, screaming for Levi, and upon realizing that he was not there, that she was not in a cave lying next to him, that she would never see him again she began to sob, breaking down for the first time since she had come home from the games. She spent the rest of the night awake, her head resting in her mother's lap. Once her mother had fallen asleep, Katniss had walked the slow distance to Haymitch's house. He silently handed her a glass of white alcohol. And for the first time since she had left her home she had a dreamless sleep on Haymitch's couch.

* * *

"What is wrong with you?" Gale asked as he turned and looked his best friend up and down. Katniss' hands were shaking as she lowered her bow. The squirrel that she had been aiming at scampered away, leaving her without a single catch for the day. Gale's game bag was already full. "He was practically gift wrapped."

She took a step back, stumbling as her foot hit stone that she was not expecting to behind her. She watched as Gale's face became more disgusted with every moment. He reached toward her in an attempt to take her bow from her shaking grip, but she was too quick for him. Without thinking she grabbed an arrow from her quiver and strung it, point it directly as his heart. Gale's face dropped and his hands raised in front of him.

"Katniss…" he said, in shock. As soon as she realized what she had done, she opened her hands, the bow and arrow both fell from them and Gale kicked them to the side as he collected her into his arms. "It's okay," he said as she shook. "It's too soon. It's okay."

But Katniss knew that it wasn't okay. She knew why she had missed that squirrel, and as Gale squeezed her tighter and felt the bump of her flask in her jacket pocket, he looked at her with concern. He reached in and took the flask from her pocket. He unscrewed the cap and brought it to his nose, flinching and the strong stench of alcohol.

"What the hell, Katniss…" he said. "Are you drunk?"

"I'm not drunk," she said. "I'm just hungover."

With a flick of his wrist, Gale began pouring the liquid onto the leaf covered ground.

"No!" Katniss yelled, jumping forward. But it was too late. Gale had drained every last inch. "I won't be able to sleep. I need that to sleep!" she yelled.

"Catnip…" he said.

Katniss was furious. "Damn you, Gale!" she yelled, punching his chest. "Mind your own _fucking _business!"

The last strike Katniss took at Gale was a giant shove. However, due to her tiny stature and Gale's rather large one, it did very little to knock him off of his feet. However, that did not stop it from doing some serious damage. Gale simply nodded, grabbed his game bag, said "Okay," and walked off. Leaving Katniss alone in the woods. It was the last time she would talk to him for a long while.

She still hunted without him. As the days passed, she became much more capable out in the woods. She found a way to overcome the pounding in her head that accompanied her upon awakening every morning. She began to steadily improve, and in a few days time she was back to her regular self. She had even suffered less and less flashbacks every time she looked down at her blood covered hands. But there was one sight that always set her off.

* * *

The second time Katniss saw him was on a Saturday morning while she was walking back into town from the woods. Her eyes had been so trained on the bakery, looking out for any sign of the Mellark family that she had not seen him walk up right behind her.

"Are you selling those?" he asked. Katniss jumped and turned around, freezing as her heart started to pound in her chest. "You haven't come to the bakery in a while. We've missed your game. It's always really good," he said.

Katniss did not answer. She continued to simply stare into his eyes, the eyes that were so like his brothers. She did not know what to say to him.

"I wasn't sure if you'd stopped…" he continued. "I guess there's no reason for you to hunt anymore…"

Peeta was right. There was no reason for her to hunt anymore. She would never want for money again and her curse was that she would be forced to watch the Mellarks live in poverty forever, all because she was too late to stop Levi.

"Just take them," Katniss said, shoving the three squirrels out to the boy in front of her. She watched as his eyes went wider, making it even easier for her to look into them and see the soul of the boy that had sacrificed himself for her. She closed her eyes, wishing the sight away.

"What…I… we can pay. I want to pay…"

"No." Katniss said. "I don't want your money. Please just take them."

When she did not feel Peeta reach out to grab the game bag from her hands, she simply dropped it on the ground and walked away. Once she reached a point where she felt far enough away, she turned her head over her shoulder. Peeta was still standing there, watching her walk away sadly. He bent down and picked up the bag that she had dropped, dusted off the dirt, and headed back toward the bakery.

* * *

The third time Katniss saw him, she was walking Prim home from school. There was no point in her going to school herself. Haymitch said that some victors did decide to go back in an effort to cling on to their lives before the games, but Katniss did not see the point in that. There was no use in pretending that anything would ever be the same. Not to mention the fact that she could not stand the idea of her school mates watching her every move, waiting for her to crack like she did on the day she came home. But sometimes she did like to meet her little sister outside so that they could walk home together. If there was one element of her life that she wanted to preserve with every ounce of her being it was her relationship with Prim.

When she did see her face among the other students exiting the building she waved, gaining the blonde's attention. Prim waved back and started walking toward her. But Katniss soon realized that Prim was not the only person whom she had gathered the attention of with her wave. Peeta Mellark started walking toward her, and although she wished as hard as she could that Prim would get there before he did, it was in vain.

"Hi, Katniss," he said.

Katniss felt the all too familiar pounding in her chest that appeared whenever she saw him yet again. However, this time she was not shocked into a state of selective mutism. As long as she did not look him in the eyes she could speak to him.

"Hi," she answered back, thanking her lucky stars that Prim had made it to her before she was required to say more. She grabbed hold of her sister, hoping to hurry her along. However, Prim's unfailing sense of kindness kept her from doing so.

"Hello, Peeta," Prim said shyly.

Peeta actually smiled at her. "Hello, Prim."

Prim reached out her hand and too Katniss' amazement, took Peeta's much larger one in hers. She smiled back at him. "I'm sorry about your brother."

Katniss' heart now felt as if it would beat out of her chest. She bit down on her lip, waiting for the moment to come where Peeta would explode, yelling at Prim to shut up, asking how she dared shower sympathy on him when her own older sister was still alive and well. Prim was probably the last person on earth that Peeta wanted to hear platitudes from, and if he yelled at her little sister over his, Katniss would have to owe him yet again, this time for punching him in the face while he was grieving.

"Thank you, Prim." Those three words alone had given Katniss the biggest shock she'd experienced in the few short weeks that she had been home. As she turned to look at Peeta, she saw that he was looking at her, a strange calmness behind his eyes. "But Levi wouldn't want us to wallow for too long," he said, looking pointedly at Katniss. "I'm trying to move on…"

Katniss opened her mouth to say something, but no words could come out. She had been prepared to attack him, but she could have never prepared herself for this. Now she didn't know what to say. She didn't know what to do. And she didn't know what to think about Peeta's intentions with her and her little sister. She couldn't help but wonder why he wouldn't simply leave her alone. Maybe his kindness was a way for him to dig her into an early grave out of guilt.

"Do you want to walk home with us?"

Katniss gave her sister a look that could kill. And Prim, not used to being on the receiving end of such looks from her sister, opened her eyes wide in fright. Katniss knew that it was not fair to be angry at her sister for this. After all, Prim did not know of her unyielding desire to stay as far away from the Mellarks as possible.

"I'd love to."

Katniss had remained silent for the majority of the trip home. Luckily, the Victor's Village was not very far from the school, unlike their old home. They were almost home by the time Peeta had addressed her and she found herself having to speak.

"So how do you like your new house?" he asked. Katniss turned to look at him, wondering why he would ask such a question. Upon looking at his face she noticed that it did not hold even a trace of malice, but rather that he looked just a awkward and nervous as she felt.

"I hate it," she answered softly, training her eyes yet again on the house that was now within sight.

"Katniss spends most of her time at our old house anyway," Prim said for her. "She sleeps better there."

Katniss did not correct her little sister on this bit of information. There was no reason for Peeta to know that without the help of white liquor, she slept just as poorly in her old home as she did anywhere else. The simple truth of the matter was that if she slept there, she would not wake her mother and sister up with the sound of her screams.

"You must have some pretty bad nightmares…" Peeta said. Katniss suddenly froze where she stood, unable to walk any further from the anger that coursed through her.

"Prim go home," she said.

"But…"

"Go!" she yelled. Prim turned and ran off in the direction of their new house and Katniss turned on Peeta who was standing next to her with a look of confusion on his face.

"What did I—"

"What do you _want _from me?" she yelled at him. Peeta did not respond. All he did was stand there with his mouth opening and closing like a fish. "What do you want me to say? I'm _sorry_. I didn't _want_ him to do that. I didn't tell him to do that! Just _please _leave me alone!"

"Katniss, I just want…"

"Yes I have nightmares! Is that what you want me to say? Did you just want to make sure that the girl who killed your brother is suffering? Because I _am! _Are you happy? I see him every night! I watch him die over and over again! He wasn't supposed to eat all of them. We were going to do it together! We were supposed to do it together!"

"Katniss…"

"Please just leave me alone. I'm suffering enough without you tormenting me. Just leave me alone."

Katniss wrapped her arms around herself and walked away before Peeta could say another word. Even if she had stayed long enough to hear him speak, she had a feeling that he would not have said anything. By the time that she had made it to her home in the Victor's Village she could still see him standing there, dumbfounded.

Closing the door behind her, she walked into the house, passing up her mother and Prim and heading up to her room. She took out a bottle of white liquor from her bed, brought it to her lips, drank until she felt the affects take over her, and passed out into a somewhat peaceful sleep.

* * *

Unfortunately, Peeta did not leave her alone. When she woke up the next morning, the pounding in her head was equaled with a pounding on her door. She forced herself out of bed, noticing that both her mother and her sister were gone. Her mother had probably left on a house call and Prim should have been on her way to school by now.

It took her a good five minutes before she peeled herself out of bed and made it downstairs to open the door. When she opened it to find Peeta's face staring back at her she was about to go off on him again, or perhaps even threaten his life if he ever decided to come back to her home. However, he beat her to the punch.

"Don't!" he said, stopping her. Katniss was taken aback by the tone in his voice. She had never heard him sound that angry before. "Listen to me this time! You think I don't know what it feels like to have the weight of Levi's life on your shoulders?" he asked. "My name came out of that bowl Katniss! He volunteered for me! You think I don't think about that every day? You think I don't blame myself for his death every day? That's why I wanted to talk to you because you… You're the only person who knows what I'm going through right now. You don't get to pretend like you're the only person who was affected by Levi's death."

Katniss stood there fuming while Peeta emptied out his grievances upon her. She found a tiny imperfection on the door frame between them and stared at it while he continued to yell at her. Once he was she stood there, tapping her foot as she tried to think of something just as mean to him. However, she came up short.

"Shouldn't you be at school?!" she yelled, turning to face him. Peeta scoffed and shook his head. He took a step backward and ran a hand through his hair.

"Yeah…" he said calmly. "Yeah, I should be at school. Have a nice life, Katniss."

* * *

As time went on, Katniss was beginning to realize that having a nice life would be a practical impossibility. When she wasn't having nightmares, she was faced with reality instead. And as she crept closer and closer to the Victory Tour, her reality was becoming more unbearable with every passing day.

Not only was she forced to play into the ruse that she was a talented clothing designer, but she was also having to cope with the reality that she would soon have to face other people whom she never wanted to look in the eye. Soon she would have to see Rue's family, along with Thresh's. She would have to look into the eyes of Marvel's parents and try not to think about the look on their son's face as her arrow sliced through his chest. She ran a list in her head every night of all the people that she had killed in the games or whose deaths were her fault. She wondered how many family members each and every one of them had.

If she could not handle looking into the eyes of Levi's family, the one family who would be the most gracious to her, how was she going to explain to Rue's mother how she could not save her little girl? It drove her to drink a little more, this time when the sun was out. She was beginning to see how Haymitch had become the miserable drunk that he was. There was no other way to cope with it. Doing it sober was just far to difficult.

She still hadn't spoken to Gale since that day in the woods, and she had not seen nor heard from Peeta since the day that he showed up at her door to yell at her. She wanted to be happy about that fact, but the truth of the matter was that his words had effected her in such a way that she actually did want to apologize.

Now she found herself wishing that Peeta would sneak up on her, but he had been avoiding her at all costs. The only way that she would be able to speak to him now would be to go to the bakery. For a long time Katniss could not bring herself to do this. Peeta might have been somewhat sympathetic to her pain, but she had met the bakers' wife, and she knew that she would not be welcome in that woman's home.

However, Katniss had to do something to talk to Peeta, and it seemed like she had no other choice. For that reason, she found herself standing on the steps of the Mellark bakery for the first time since she had come home. She had been standing there for twenty minutes, looking at the door and gathering the questioning and judgmental glances of customers that were coming in and out.

She could not just walk in. She did not want to think about how painful it would be to walk into the bakery and not see Levi standing behind the counter flirting with the young female customers. That was the sight that greeted her every time she went in to trade with his father. The fact that she would never see it again brought tears stinging to the back of her eyes. It was strange how a sight that annoyed her beyond belief just months ago was the one thing that she would give anything to see again.

"Are you going to stand there much longer?" she heard a voice ask. "Because at this rate I could have you arrested for loitering, you know."

She jumped, turning around to find Peeta walking up the stairs with a sack of flour over his shoulder. He opened the door and carried it inside, leaving Katniss standing there. In a few moments he returned, walking down the stairs and back to the wooden cart full of flour that he had parked below.

"I…" Katniss begun. "Can I help you?" she asked, gesturing to the flour. Peeta looked at her and raised his eyebrows.

"I don't know," he answered. "Can you? They're pretty heavy."

"I'm surprisingly strong," she said.

Peeta laughed and made a grand gesture to the cart. Katniss walked over to him and reached down into the cart, grabbing a sack by the middle. She heaved and lifted it up for a brief moment, thinking that she had gained control. However, in a matter of seconds the weight became to much for her and it flopped back down in the cart. Peeta walked up behind her and took the same sack, throwing it effortlessly over his shoulder and started to walk back inside. Katniss followed him.

"Okay, they were heavier than I thought…" she said. Peeta threw the bag behind the counter and paused for a moment, narrowing his eyes at her.

"You know, I've got to get this shipment unloaded by the time my mother gets home or she will probably kill me. So… whatever it is you want can you just get it out so I can get back to work?"

Katniss bit her lip. "I just came to apologize," she said. "You're right. I was being selfish. I'm sorry you lost your brother. And I'm sorry for the part that I played in that. But you should know that he never blamed you for what happened. And he really loved you. And he wanted you to be happy."

Peeta remained silent. He held Katniss' gaze, and for the first time since she had gotten home his eyes did not send her falling apart. Perhaps it was because in this moment, they did not remind her of Levi. Right now Peeta's eyes were just…Peeta's.

"I have to get back to work," he said with a nod. He made a move to walk past her but Katniss reached out to stop him. She grabbed his hand and he turned around. He was suddenly very close to her and Katniss felt her heart pound once more. But there was something about it this time that was different from all the others.

"Can I ask you something?" he asked. Katniss nodded. "Did you really love him? I mean…was that all…real? Or not real?"

Katniss shook her head. "Not real," she whispered. "But I did care about him… a lot."

The two of them stood there for a moment, looking into each other's eyes. Katniss did not know exactly what was behind Peeta's gaze, but she found herself unable to look away. The only thing that could come between them in the moment was the shrill voice of a middle aged woman coming from outside the door.

"Damn it, Peeta!" Katniss heard Mrs. Mellark yell. "I wanted this done before I got back!"

"I'm going as fast as I can, Mother!" Peeta yelled back, turning toward the door. "You might want to go out the back way," he whispered to Katniss before turning around and walking outside to meet the wrath of his mother. Katniss watched her slap him upside the head.

* * *

The sixth time Katniss saw him was at Marcie Dawlish's wedding. Marcie was a town girl who had never met Katniss in her life. However, now that she was a victor she was unexpectedly invited to parties that she had never been invited to before. She hadn't wanted to go, but Haymitch insisted that she did. After all, she did not want to make it look as if she did not enjoy the life of a victor.

She spent most of the wedding sitting in a chair nursing a drink, although if she was honest with herself even booze was not helping in this instance. All she wanted to do was go home.

By the time she had noticed Peeta's presence, he was already on his way over to her, grabbing chair and sitting down next to her without being invited. It seemed that if there was one thing that Katniss could now count on it was the fact that Peeta would never simply leave her alone.

"Fancy seeing you here," he said.

"Haven't you heard?" Katniss asked. "I'm the most desirable person in town. Everyone wants to be my friend." Katniss was being sarcastic of course, and she could not help by let the tone of disdain drip from her lips. She knew that the only reason she was here was because Marcie and her groom wanted to see what kind of gift she would leave at the door. She should have thought ahead and left them a dead squirrel. Although if she was honest with herself they would probably be grateful even for that.

"Well, with your bright and bubbly personality who wouldn't want to be?" Peeta asked.

Katniss turned and glared at him. "You're certainly trying very hard," she snapped back.

Peeta smiled, an action that confused her. "Do you want to dance?" he asked, holding out his hand to her.

Katniss' first instinct was to say no. But she could not the deny the fact that she actually did want to dance. She was never one for parties, but the one activity that did make them somewhat tolerable was the dancing. She loved dancing, and she hadn't danced since her father had died.

Silently she took hold of Peeta's outreached hand and let him lead her out onto the dance floor where an upbeat song was playing. They tapped their feet to the fiddle and clapped their hands as they moved through the flow of the familiar choreographed dance. They were passed down the line of other people on the dance floor as the song went on, but ultimately came back to each other in the end. For the first time in a very long time Katniss had a real smile on her face and Peeta was smiling along with her. When the music slowed she went to pull away, but Peeta held onto her.

He held her to him for a few moments, and it took a while for Katniss to relax in his arms. She was not usually one for slow dancing, but Peeta did not seem to want to let her go. The music was sweet and sad and Peeta's eyes were the bluest she had ever seen them. Perhaps it was the lighting in the room or the color of his shirt. However, Peeta had to go and ruin the moment by talking.

"When I was nine…" he began. "There was that really bad ice storm…remember when everything was coated in inches of ice and you practically had to wear skates just to walk down the street?"

"I remember," Katniss said. She, like most of the people in the Seam would never dream of being able to afford a pair of ice skates.

"Levi and I were out playing in it. We set up goals on either end of our back yard and started hitting a pine comb around with some sticks trying to score on each other. He lost his balance and slammed into the shed right as a giant icicle was about to come crashing down on his head. I pushed him out of the way and it pierced through my arm…" Peeta lifted his sleeve, showing Katniss a purple scar on his forearm where the ice had gone through. She was taken back to that day when Mrs. Mellark had dragged a sobbing Peeta into her kitchen and her mother had spent the entire night stitching him up. She never knew what had happened until now. "I guess he thought he owed me…" he finished.

"He didn't owe me…." Katniss whispered. "I don't know why he did it. I think about it every day and I can't figure out why he did it."

"I think I know…" Peeta said. "I don't want it to be true because it would mean that I owe him so much more than just my life," he continued. "But I think I know why he did it."

"Why?" She looked up at him in question and saw his face inch closer and closer to hers. Before she could push him away, his lips came crashing down on hers. The pounding returned to her chest and the shock that overcame her was enough to paralyze her for a moment. It was long enough for Peeta to think that she was okay with what was happening because he went to deepen the kiss. She felt his tongue lightly graze her bottom lip and with that she was able to pull herself out of her stupor. She pushed him violently away and made a beeline for the door, leaving him on the dance floor.

"Katniss!" he yelled after her. But it was too late. She had already started her journey back home.

* * *

Katniss did not see Peeta again until she had returned home from her Victory Tour. As it was, she was not sure if she should be angry at him for what he had done, or if she should thank him for the major distraction she carried with her from Distrcit to Distrcit. Due to the incident at Marcie's wedding, Katniss did not spend her nights obsessing over the families that she had seen during the day. The paralyzing pain that came with that was saved only for the moments in which was actually in their presence.

She spent the rest of her time thinking about Levi and the implicated of Peeta's words and actions. Levi had made it no secret that he loved his little brother more than anyone in the world and would do anything in his power to keep him safe and happy. What Katniss could never understand is why then he would sacrifice himself at the very end of the games. Surely once they had realized that both of them would not be going home at the end of the games as was promised before, Levi should have known that what would have made Peeta the most happy would be to have this older brother come home to him alive. She had felt the same way about Prim.

She replayed those moments in her head all the time, trying to make sense of them. With as close as she and Levi had become during their time in the training center and the arena, she was certain that he knew what she was thinking. He had to have known that she meant for both of them to eat the berries at the same time. He had to know that she was proposing a mutually assured destruction – that if one of them could not make it back to his or her loved one, neither of them would. She never expected him to eat his and her share of the poison himself.

It was only in retrospect that Katniss realized that she could have kissed him in those final moments. There was enough berry juice on his lips to do her in as well. All she had to do was partake in one more fake kiss, and they would have gone down in legend as the star-crossed lovers of Distrcit 12. But she could not think of it at the time. At least that is what she told herself.

Maybe she did want Levi to die so that she could come home to be with her family. Or maybe she had enough fake kisses to last her a lifetime and simply did not want to die with one on her lips. This is what she thought when she thought the worst of herself. And the truth was that Katniss did not know which of these _was _the truth.

What she did know was that there was nothing fake about the kiss that Peeta gave her. And with every night that passed Katniss could think of more and more examples of times when Peeta's affections for her should have been made abundantly clear.

Firstly, and most importantly, there was the day with the bread – the day that he had risked a beating from his mother to save her life. She thought of the looks he would always give her in class, how every time she looked in his direction he always seemed to be staring at her. She thought of the way that Levi insisted that Peeta would move on if he died. Peeta would find something to live for if he did not come home. It had only occurred to her now that what Levi was talking about was her. And now the only way that she could repay him was to spend the rest of her life with his little brother.

So the seventh time Katniss saw him, she walked up to him and kissed him on the mouth.

* * *

Some time later, when Katniss agreed to marry him, she had never seen him look so happy in her entire life. A spark had come back into his eyes that had been missing since the day his brother died. He brought her home to meet the rest of his family. His father and eldest brother greeted her warmly, soothing her worries that they would not want her to be a part of their family. His mother did not speak to her, but Peeta had explained that this might be the case. She smiled at Peeta's little niece, reaching out a finger for the little girl to grab hold to. When she felt the grip tighten she smiled, but a sense of doom settled in her stomach.

Since she had agreed to this, had she also agreed to have Peeta's children? She had never wanted children before, but now she did not know what was expected of her. Peeta looked so happy, and she did not want to let him down. Instead she tried to open her mind to the idea of having children. Unfortunately it never did become less terrifying in her mind.

"I don't know if I want to have children," she said one night.

"I want whatever you want," Peeta responded. A warmth spread through her at that, something that she was never expecting to feel. She could not deny that if she had to spend the rest of her life with someone, Peeta Mellark was not a bad choice. She was beginning to think that Haymitch was right. His reaction to her news about their engagement was to laugh and say that she could live a thousand lifetimes and never deserve him.

The first time they slept together Katniss still had nightmares. She awoke screaming and suddenly found herself wrapped in a strong embrace. Peeta smoothed her hair down and started whispering sweet nothings into her ear, telling her that everything was going to be okay. That no one was going to hurt her and she never had to go back there.

But she did have to go back there. She had to go back there very soon. The reaping was getting closer and closer with every day and soon she would have to go back. She could have to go back to the Capitol where she would watch another twenty-four innocent children spill each other's blood. He would never understand that.

Katniss reached down to find the bottle of white liquor that was so cleverly hidden under her bed. As she brought it out Peeta took it away from her.

"Katniss…" he said.

"No I need it!" she said. "It helps me sleep. I can't sleep without it!"

Peeta placed the bottle on the table next to his side of the bed. He reached out a hand to touch her face and kissed her on the lips. She felt her self relax and surprisingly did not fight him as he lowered her down to the bed and held her tightly against his chest.

"Just try to sleep, Katniss," he said.

When she closed her eyes, she was surprised to find sleep enveloping her. She soon found that Peeta's arms provided a suitable alternative to alcohol, for when she slept next to him her nightmares were few and far between. And whenever she woke in the morning after a particularly bad night, she was greeted with the fresh smell of cheese buns wafting from the kitchen and the sound of Prim's giggles as he made her laugh.

She really would never deserve him.

Sometimes she would catch him looking at her as she tuned out during talks of their wedding. She knew he wondered what she wondered herself. Did she really love him? Or did she feel some twisted obligation to Levi that she would never be able to repay?

Katniss did not know the answer to this question. Months ago she had thought that she would never love anyone. For a long time she had thought that she loved Gale, but his absence in her life had not affected her in the way that she thought it would. Perhaps is was because they were two entirely different people now.

She did feel a fondness for Peeta, a fondness that picked at her soul whenever he was away. She could not sleep without him and found that during her time back in the Capitol for the 75th games she turned back to drink to get her through the night. She slept with a pillow by her side wishing that it were him. But in the daylight she sometimes felt happy to be away from him, to be away from the guilt that came with being with him all the time and not knowing if she was lying to him about her feelings. Part of her wondered which would be easier.

* * *

The one hundred and ninety-eighth time Katniss saw him was right before she walked into the Justice Building. She was wearing a short white dress, a gesture that she thought was laughable as she and Peeta had long ago consummated their engagement and had been sleeping in the same bed for months. However, her mother insisted and Katniss could not refuse.

Peeta asked to meet her on the steps while their families waited inside. Katniss obliged and had been waiting for about fifteen minutes for her groom when he finally appeared, trudging up the stairs in a nice rented suit. Katniss smiled when she saw how handsome he looked and thought once again about how lucky she was and how she could do so much worse than Peeta Mellark.

When he met her on the stairs, she lifted her chin to kiss him and felt her heart plummet as he pulled away from her. His eyes were different now, not the piercing blue that he shared with his brother, but rather red as if he had spent the morning in tears.

"What's wrong?" she asked, reaching up a hand to cup his face. Peeta flinched and pulled his face away from her touch. Katniss felt her heart flutter in a way that it hadn't in months.

"Can I ask you something?" he said, his voice scratchy. Katniss nodded. "Do you really love me? I mean…is all this…real? Or not real?"

"I…" But Katniss couldn't speak. She was transported back a year ago to when the mere sight of Peeta was enough to send her into a panic. Her heart pounded wildly in her chest and she could not will the words to come out. She watched in terror as Peeta's face was overcome with realization and pain. Suddenly she felt the overwhelming desire to kill herself, as anyone who could cause a look like that to befall Peeta Mellark's face deserved to die a slow and painful death.

She watched as he simply nodded, shoved his hands in his pockets and started making his way back down the Justice Building stairs. "I'll see you around, Katniss," he said before turning and making to walk out of her life forever.

Peeta had already made it yards before Katniss finally found her voice.

"Peeta!" she yelled after him. "Peeta! Where are you going!? Peeta! Don't leave me here on my wedding day!" She started to hyperventilate and not even the looks from the people who had gathered in the town square were enough to keep her from screaming at the top of her lungs. "PEETA!"

But Katniss' feet were glued to the ground and Peeta was steadily moving further and further away from her.

* * *

In the time that followed, Katniss began to remember what life was like without Peeta's presence. Her nightmares occurred every night, this time with new elements thrown in. Peeta's face replaced Marvels as her arrow pierced his heart. Peeta's body was torn apart by beasts until Katniss finally sent an arrow through his chest out of mercy. She also began to notice the little things that were different.

Her pillow no longer smelled the same. She had never thought about the way that his body had left a mark on her sheets but the musky smell that lulled her to sleep so many times was gone, replaced with something generic. It must have been the soap her mother used to wash them. She hated it.

Her kitchen smelled differently too. What used to smell like fresh bread now smelled like nothing. The only time a scent wafted up to her room was when her mother was cooking a meal, but it never smelled like bread. It never smelled like Peeta.

She began to miss the notes that Peeta would write on the fogged up mirror while she was in the shower, saying "I love you," or "You're beautiful." Her favorites were when he would draw her little cartoons on the mirror, some less appropriate than others, but they always made her laugh. Now the absence of them made her cry.

Sometimes she would walk into town, hoping to catch a glimpse of him outside the bakery, but he never seemed to be there, and the one time that he was Katniss reacted in such a way that she almost made herself sick. Peeta was walking toward the bakery, hand in hand with Delly Cartwright. Once he came upon the steps he stopped, turning to face the pretty blonde town girl and lent down to brush a light kiss on her cheek. When he lifted his face from the other woman, he suddenly met Katniss' eyes. Both of them stood there for a long while, staring at each other from a distance, neither of them moving toward each other.

After a few moments of torture Katniss finally turned, and walked away. She had not even made it halfway to her home when the tears started pouring from her eyes. It seemed like in that moment that answer to his question became to painfully obvious to her.

—-

The two-hundredth time Katniss saw him she stormed into the bakery pushing past a red faced Mrs. Mellark as she yelled at her to leave her home at once.

"You've already cost one of my sons his life. I won't let you ruin another one!" she yelled as she grasped for Katniss, but Katniss shook her off and kept her goal insight.

She bumped past Peeta's father who was standing in front of the stairs that lead up to the Mellark family dwellings and started to climb, taking two stairs at a time. She was in such a hurry to reach her destination that she did not even stop to knock on the door. She simply barged into his room, startling him.

"Katniss!" he yelled as he saw her panting in the doorway. She could tell that he had just gotten out of the shower. His hair was wet and he was clutching a raggedy white towel around his waist. He looked at her in shock and in any other instance Katniss would have laughed at the expression on his face coupled with his state of undress. But she had come here for a reason.

"Real," she said, panting and cursing herself as she felt tears once again sting at the back of her eyes.

"What?" Peeta said, utterly confused as to what was happened. Katniss walked into his room fully, closing the door behind her.

"Real," she said. "You asked me if it was all real or not real. And it took me a long time to figure it out. But it's real. I love you. And I don't want to live without you anymore."

She launched herself at him, surprising him with the force of it. Katniss clung to him and she could feel his arms slowly start to wrap around her.

"I can't sleep without you there. My house is different. It looks different. And it smells different. And I hate it. And please don't marry Delly Cartwright."

"Delly…" Peeta said. "That's nothing, Katniss. She's like a sister to me."

Katniss pulled away from him enough so that she could look into his eyes. He looked so happy and she could feel her own smile start to spread over her face. She hadn't felt this happy since they had danced together at Marcie Dawlish's wedding all those months ago.

Peeta fingered a strand of hair that had come loose from her braid and tucked it behind her ear. He moved his hand from her ear to her cheek and used his thumb to wipe away a tear that had fallen since she had walked into his door.

"We'll take it slow, okay?" he said.

Katniss nodded and leant forward to kiss him. It was the first kiss she had ever shared with Peeta that she knew in her heart was completely real. And in that moment, she was so happy that she had lived. So happy that the last kiss she felt on her lips was not from the cold and soaked with poison. She was so happy that her last kiss hadn't been fake. She planned to live her life with Peeta, and her last kiss would be so real.

The End


End file.
